Nothing is Easy
by hobbleit
Summary: Sequel to Don't Cry, set six months later. Christian and Syed are living together away from the Square but tragedy is about to bring them back. Chryed
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Finally started writing the sequel to Don't cry. The theme for this story is complete and crushing angst :D. Title is from a Jethro Tull song**

**Disclaimer: Eastenders and all its characters are owned by the BBC. I'm just toturing them for my own amusement  
**

**Nothing is Easy**

**Chapter One**

Syed groaned as he heard the music come thumping through the wall. It was five in the morning, for God's sake, why'd they have to start that early? His head was already pounding and had been for the last few days now and this just made it ten times worse. Resigning himself to not getting any more sleep, he threw back the covers and clambered sleepily out of bed. He took a moment to look back and gaze at Christian who was still sound asleep. He smiled at how beautiful and peaceful his lover looked when he was sleeping, but not wanting to disturb him; he left him in peace.

It had been six months since they had moved into this flat. Six months since they had both left the Square. Six months since he had left his family behind; six months since his argument with his mother which had led to his departure. He sighed deeply and headed for the bathroom to dig out some painkillers for his aching head. He felt sick. Great, he thought; that's all he needed. What a great start to the day.

He felt around in the darkness for the light switch but once he turned it on Syed immediately regretted it. The light pierced his eyes and shot straight to his head making the pain even more unbearable than before. He winced and slammed his eyelids shut to try to stop the pain but it didn't work.

"Are you okay?" He heard a gentle voice behind him.

"Yeah, just have a headache," Syed replied with a shake in his voice. "Can't seem to get rid of it."

"Here, let me help you," Christian said as he leaned over and grabbed the painkillers from the cabinet. He handed two pills to Syed who swallowed them dry.

"Thanks," Syed smiled slightly as Christian wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. He melted into Christian's touch and allowed the older man to pull him back to the bedroom.

"They really need to stop that music," Christian commented as he lay down behind Syed and wrapped his arms around his stomach; resting his cheek in the crook of Syed's neck.

"Hmm," Syed mumbled in response, the painkillers were taking effect and he now felt very sleepy. He closed his eyes and let the welcome sleep wash over him like a warm blanket. It felt good. He heard Christian say something else to him but he was so tired the words all merged together until they didn't make any sense so he stopped listening and just gave into sleep.

When Syed next woke up the sun had risen over the trees outside the building and shone gently into the room, warming him with its golden touch. The headache was still there but it had receded to a dull throb and therefore more bearable than it had been early that same morning.

He noticed a piece of folded up notepaper on the cabinet beside the bed. He smiled as he picked it up, knowing it was from Christian. He slowly unfolded it and read.

_Gone to work, call me if you need anything. Love you, Christian_

Short, simple and straight to the point and it made Syed smile even more; just knowing that Christian cared made everything a lot easier. The pain of leaving his family had been made a great deal more bearable with Christian by his side; holding him and comforting him whenever he felt down.

Syed spoke to his father on a somewhat regular basis, maybe once a week or so. They mostly talked about shallow things, events in the Square, funny things that had happened to Ian Beale and the like. There was, however, a gaping hole which they never spoke of in great detail and that was Zainab. Syed occasionally asked his father how she was doing but the answer was always the same; she's all right. It saddened Syed to know things were that bad between him and his mother. They had been so close once and now they were as distant as two people could be.

But that was something that he couldn't change and there was no point dwelling on the past when he had the present to be happy about. If only he could stop feeling so damned ill.

He could have screamed in frustration when the music started up again. It was like this every day with their next door neighbours; playing their loud music until all hours of the day and night until it made Syed want to pound on their door until they stopped. He'd had enough of it and; as he felt the anger rise up inside him, he decided to do something about it. Pulling on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt; he headed out of the door and banged on theirs. There was no response which only served to make him angrier. He banged again louder this time.

"Turn the music down," he shouted before heading back to his flat. Slamming the door shut, he flopped down on the sofa and rubbed his eyes with his hand. He groaned when he heard his phone ring. He didn't want to answer it; he just wanted to go back to sleep. The ringing continued until he picked up the phone and answered.

"Hello?" He answered somewhat irritably.

"Syed, are you okay?" He heard his father's voice down the other end.

"Yeah," he replied. "Just annoyed at the neighbours playing loud music, I'm constantly tired and I have a headache which just won't go away."

"Have you been to see a doctor?" Masood asked, sounding concerned for his son.

"No, it's nothing," he reassured his father. "I'm just not sleeping too well, that's all."

"If you're sure."

"I am," Syed reconfirmed. "Now, how are things at home?"

"Oh you know, just the same really," Masood vaguely told him. He was always evasive when it came to talking about the rest of the family.

"Nothing new to report then," Syed smiled slightly.

"Not really. Well, I'd better go; your mother's expecting me."

"I'll speak to you later," Syed said and ended the call. He slowly stood up and headed to the bathroom to take some more painkillers before making lunch. Once his food was in the oven, Syed flopped down onto the sofa feeling very tired all of a sudden.

Maybe his dad was right, maybe he should go and see a doctor about how ill he was feeling. He could feel himself falling asleep but he didn't have the energy to wake himself up. A few minutes couldn't hurt, he decided as he felt the blackness surround him.

He didn't wake up when the fire alarm starting sounding and the flames licked the walls of the kitchen.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for the comments, I really should reply to everyone individually. **

**Chapter Tw****o**

When Syed finally awoke he was in hospital; the beeping from the heart monitor searing into his skull. His entire body felt like it was on fire; everywhere ached and his lungs felt like they had gone ten rounds with a heavyweight boxer. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to move and Syed longed for the darkness to claim him once again.

He could feel someone next to him, almost holding his hand but not quite. Syed knew it was Christian though; it was like a sixth sense. He was not yet aware that Syed had woken up though and Syed didn't have the energy to let him know, so he simply just closed his eyes and hoped the next time he woke he didn't feel so bad.

Christian was extremely worried for his young lover. He had noticed that Syed had not been well for the last couple of weeks, complaining of headaches and nausea. He had also lost a lot of weight and was constantly fatigued. Looking at him now, he could also see several large and purple bruises on his arms; which Syed had been hiding from him. Christian felt guilty for not saying something sooner. It had taken for Syed to almost die in a fire before he truly picked up that something was wrong.

"Come on Sy, wake up," he said quietly, rubbing Syed's hand with his thumb. "Let me see those beautiful eyes of yours. Why didn't you tell me how bad you were feeling? Why couldn't you say that you needed help? The doctors don't know what's wrong with you yet, they just keep coming in and poking around; taking blood from you. I wish they would just tell me what's wrong so I can figure out how to make it better. Please wake up Sy; I need you to answer back."

Syed could hear everything Christian was saying and he wanted to wake up and talk to him, he truly did but he just didn't have the energy at the moment. He settled for moving his hand slightly just to let the man he loved know he was there.

"Hey," Christian whispered, a smile gracing his face at the movement. "Are you going to open those eyes for me?" He asked. Syed groaned and screwed his eyes shut tighter. "Well I know you're awake now so there's no point pretending not to be," he teased lightly as Syed's eyes finally fluttered open. "You had me worried. How are you feeling?"

"Thirsty," Syed croaked. It felt as though he hadn't drunk anything for a month.

"I can get you some water if you want," he said and Syed nodded. "I'll be back in a minute."

* * *

"When they first saw the bruises they thought I was hitting you," Christian told Syed.

"That's crazy."

"Well you do have a lot of unexplained bruises on your body."

"I can explain every one of them. Have you told mum and dad?"

"No, I didn't know if you wanted me to."

"Let's just wait and see what the doctor's say before we have to worry them," Syed told him. He was scared at the thought that there was something seriously wrong with him but he didn't want to bother his parents until he was absolutely certain.

"Okay," Christian replied wanting to respect Syed's wishes.

* * *

The doctor looked grave when he finally entered the room. "Mr. Masood," he greeted Syed. "I'm Doctor Barrett."

"Is everything okay?" Syed asked, feeling very worried at what the doctor was about to tell him. He was certain it was not good news.

"We have your blood test results back and there is evidence of elevated white blood cells."

"What does that mean?" Christian asked.

"It means that we need to do more tests but at this moment we're suspecting leukaemia."

Syed felt his heart rush to his mouth. He felt sick; he wanted to scream but his body wouldn't let him. Instead he simply sat there in dumb silence, not really able to process anything at the moment.

"What happens next?" He heard Christian ask but the doctor's answer merged into one. He heard something about tests and biopsies but he had stopped paying attention. The next thing he heard clearly was Christian.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he sat on the edge of the hospital bed and pulled Syed into his arms. Syed didn't reply, he couldn't reply. The words caught in his throat and made him want to choke. Instead he curled closer into Christian and buried himself into his safe and warm body. "Everything's going to be all right. We're going to get you better," Christian soothed as he heard Syed sob.

"I don't want to die," Syed finally said through the tears. It was very quiet, almost inaudible but it broke Christians' heart. He held Syed tighter and comforted him until he fell asleep.

* * *

Christian returned home to the flat late that night. He still hadn't got around to redecorating the kitchen after the fire; it was still black and scorched. He sat down on the sofa and rested his head in his hands. He had to be strong for Syed; which is why he hadn't shown his emotions at the hospital; instead choosing to be strong and reassuring whilst the man he loved was in pain. Now he was alone and he had no need to be strong.

He felt the tears begin to flow down his cheeks, hot and full of pain. Why did this have to be happening now? They had just found happiness with each other and now it felt as though it was all beginning to disappear. He let out a large sob as he felt his chest constrict. It was so unfair; why couldn't God or whatever higher power out there give them both a break once in a while? It was supposed to be easier now; they were supposed to be happy and this had to happen. He felt as though his world was collapsing. He curled up on the sofa and allowed the darkness surround him as he gave in and sobbed until he felt completely numb.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: New chapter, time to bring in the rest of the family :D**

**Chapter Three**

Christian's hand shook as he picked up the phone and dialled a familiar number. He just hoped the person he wanted answered the phone.

"Hello?" Came the voice down the other end. Christian breathed a sigh of relief that it was Masood and not Zainab.

"Masood," he greeted back.

"Is everything okay, you don't usually call?"

"I need to talk to you. It's about Syed."

"What's wrong?" Masood's voice shook slightly. It was as if he knew something was wrong before Christian had the chance to tell him.

"He's in hospital," Christian told him and he could feel the tears well up in his eyes once again.

"What' wrong?"

"The doctor's are still doing tests but they think it's leukaemia."

"Oh God," he heard Masood say. "How is he?"

"Not taking it well," Christian explained. "I think he could really use his family."

"Of course. I'll need to speak to Zainab."

"I understand. Just call me if you come."

"I will," Masood said as he hung up the phone.

"Who was that?" He heard Zainab ask. He sighed and turned his head to look at her, his eyes filling with tears. "What's wrong?" She sounded worried.

"Uh..." Masood said, trying to find his voice. "That was Christian."

"What did he want?" Her voice; although worried, still managed to be filled with disapproval.

"It's Syed. He's sick and he's in hospital. Christian just phoned to tell us."

Zainab felt like crying. She and Syed had not parted on the best of terms and now she was beginning to regret it. She had been so angry with him when he left, he hadn't even said goodbye to her before sloping off to wherever he had gone. She still had no idea where he was now living and it had been six months. She had pretended not to care but in reality it had hurt her greatly.

"What's wrong?" She finally managed to ask.

Masood called Christian shortly after their previous conversation to tell him both he and Zainab were on their way to visit. He had left the flat and made his way to the hospital.

Syed was lying in bed staring out of the window when Christian arrived. He looked pale, deathly pale. It scared Christian seeing him look so ill and tired and it made him want to pull him into his arms and hold him until he was better. But he was scared he might break Syed.

"Hey," Syed greeted; his voice quiet and hoarse. He had been crying again Christian could tell.

"How are you feeling?" He asked softly as he sat down on the chair next to the bed and took his lover's hand in his.

"Is it my fault?" He asked quietly so Christian could barely hear what he was saying.

"What?"

"Is it my fault that I'm ill?" He asked again and Christian stared at him; visibly shocked by what Syed was asking.

"Why would you say that?"

"Because I'm a bad Muslim. God is punishing me for the things I've done."

"Don't you ever think that," Christian said forcefully. He couldn't believe Syed could even contemplate it. "None of this is your fault. God is not punishing you for anything, it's just something that has happened and you and I are going to get through this together, you hear me?"

Syed nodded slightly, tears glistening in his eyes making them seem brighter. He had spent so much time crying recently but he couldn't seem to stop. It was just too much for him. "I don't know what I'd do without you," he cried.

Christian simply sat on the bed and pulled Syed into a hug. He seemed to be doing that a lot these days. "I called your mum and dad," he informed Syed.

"Thanks," he replied.

"They're on their way, should be here later on this afternoon."

"The doctor wants to do the biopsy this afternoon," Syed told Christian as casually as if he was telling him about his day. "He said that they might have to do a lumbar puncture to see if it has spread. I don't want them to do that."

"I know," Christian soothed, "But anything to help you get better has to be a good thing. Have you eaten anything this morning?" He asked to change the subject slightly.

"A little; I'm not really hungry though."

"You have to keep your strength up."

"I'm just tired."

"Then go to sleep and I'll wake you when your mum and dad arrive."

"Thanks," Syed smiled and closed his eyes.

Zainab was worried about seeing her son again after all this time. She didn't know what to expect or how he would react to her being there.

"He'll want to see you," she heard Masood say. It was almost as if he was reading her mind.

"Really?" What if he doesn't? I was horrible to him, what if he hates me for it?"

"I don't think he'll be in the kind of mindset for hating you, Zee. He's going through something huge at the moment and he needs us both to be there for him. We are going to go to his hospital room and be supportive and you will have to be civil to Christian when he's with Syed."

"I know."

"They are together and they are happy so you just have to accept that."

"Don't you think I know that?" Zainab snapped at her husband. "Doesn't mean I have to like it."

"Just try, please Zee. He misses you so much."

"You talk to him?" Zainab asked, surprised.

"At least once a week, just to make sure that he's happy and okay. He never mentions you but I can tell he misses you. You're like this elephant in the room whenever we speak. I know he wants to talk about you but he just can't bring himself to do so."

"I miss him too," Zainab finally admitted what she had been keeping locked inside her for the last six months.

"Then we'll go in and we can spend time being his parents again. Just promise me you won't make a fuss."

"I promise."

"Let's go then," Masood said as he held onto Zainab's hand and they walked into the hospital together.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: More angstiness ahead**

**Chapter Four**

Syed was asleep when his parents arrived. Zainab almost started crying again when she set eyes on her sick son. He was so pale and thin and so fragile and it made her heart ache. Christian was sitting in the chair next to the bed and stood up to greet them.

"Masood, Zainab," he nodded respectfully and moved out of the way to let Zainab sit down next to her son.

"How is he?" Her voice was small and scared. Christian didn't think he had ever seen Zainab Masood look so vulnerable before.

"He's doing okay, considering," Christian replied. "He's tired a lot so he mostly sleeps. He's glad you came."

"What have the doctor's said?" She asked.

"They're still waiting on the test results. They did a biopsy on his bone marrow earlier but they said there would be anything back until tomorrow at the earliest. We just have to wait."

Syed began to stir and Zainab was immediately leaning over him. "Syed, are you awake?"

"Mum?" He groaned quietly.

"How are you feeling?" She asked; her voice soft and quiet, so unlike her normal tone.

"Tired," he moaned as the late afternoon sun hurt his eyes. "When did you get here?"

"Haven't been here long, we just arrived."

"Glad your here," he smiled slightly and allowed his mother to lean down and pull him into a hug.

She was shocked at how thin he was, his bones were practically digging into her. "Oh Sy," she sighed. "I've missed you so much," all the arguments and recriminations seem to disappear in one moment, now all she could think about was making sure her eldest son got better as quickly as possible.

"Did Christian tell you what's wrong?" He asked.

"Yeah he did," Masood said as he pulled another chair up and sat opposite Zainab, resting his hand over Syed's and squeezed it gently.

"Everything going to be okay," Zainab asserted. "You're going to get through this and everything will be all right."

"Thanks mum," Syed tried to smile but it was hard to be so optimistic when he was feeling this way.

"And of course you will come home and stay with us," she continued. "You need to be at home with your family."

"What?" Syed asked in disbelief.

"You have to come home."

"Haven't we already had this argument?" Syed said. "I did go home but you couldn't handle me being with Christian. If I recall; it's the reason I left."

"Syed, maybe it's best you calm down," Christian said, moving closer towards his lover. "You don't want to get too stressed."

"I am calm. I just don't want a repeat of last time."

"There won't be," Zainab sighed. "I promise."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I've missed you and I realised that I was wrong."

"How long did that take?" Syed asked sarcastically.

"Please Syed; you're in no condition to argue like this. I want you to come back home."

"I'll come back as long as Christian comes too."

"I can accept that," Zainab said.

"And he has to stay in the house with me, share the same room," he added; mostly as he knew it would make his mother squirm.

"Okay," Zainab agreed; although she was visibly uncomfortable at the thought.

"Are you okay with that?" Syed asked Christian.

"I'm okay with whatever you want," Christian smiled softly. "It's completely up to you."

"Thank you," Syed smiled.

* * *

The doctor confirmed everything the next day when the test results had come back. Syed just sat there in quiet disbelief as the doctor ran through the treatment methods. He wasn't really taking it in, it just wasn't sinking in. Christian sat next to him, holding his hand and nodding whenever the doctor said something significant. Zainab and Masood had left them alone at Syed's request. He didn't want them there at the moment.

"Do you have any questions?" The doctor asked.

"Is he going to be okay?" Christian asked.

"Given his age and prior health and also that we caught this early at the moment his prognosis is very good."

"When can I go home?" Syed asked quietly a she continued to stare into space.

"You can go home today once we have discussed your treatment regime further. I'll come back later," the doctor said before exiting the room.

Christian looked at Syed with concern in his eyes. He wasn't taking this at all well and Christian was scared. He was scared for Syed and what he was going through and he was scared that he was going to lose the love of his life, not that he was about to say that out loud because he needed to be strong for Syed.

"How are you feeling?" He asked

"I'm okay," Syed replied, obviously lying.

"Do you want to talk about this?"

"No," Syed snapped. "I said I was okay," he immediately regretted saying that."

"Fine," Christian said, shocked by Syed's reaction. "I'd better go, if we're heading back to the Square I'll have to pack up some stuff," he said sounding, very standoffish and it came out harsher than he meant it to."

"Christian," Syed said but Christian brushed him off.

"I'll be back soon," he told him as he headed out of the door; almost banging into Zainab on the way out. After muttering his apologies he hurried off, leaving an upset Syed and a confused Zainab.

"What's wrong?" She asked as she rushed to his Syed; her voice full of worry.

"I'm an idiot," Syed replied with tears forming in his eyes. "I just snapped at Christian for no reason, he was just trying to help."

"It's understandable; you are going through a lot at the moment. What did the doctor say?"

"He was telling me that they'd finished the diagnosis and that it was correct and I just tuned out after that. He said he was going to come back and discuss how they were going to treat it before I went home."

"I should go and talk to him and find out more," Zainab said and she went to stand up but Syed stopped her.

"Please can you just stay for a while? I don't want to be alone," his voice sounded small and childlike; it broke Zainab's heart. She hated to see her eldest son so upset.

"Of course I will," she smiled encouragingly but the sadness shone through her eyes. She held his hand and they just sat there in silence.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I have now finished this story and it has 10 chapters. Will post one chapter every couple of days.**

**Chapter Five**

Everything was the same, nothing had changed. The house was exactly the same as the last time Syed had seen it. His room was still his room; with its blue walls and the double bed his parents had bought after his ill fated marriage to Amira. Nothing had changed but everything had at the same time. Syed was no longer the same person who had lived in this room for a year after being reunited with his family. So much had changed. He had been married and was now in the process of a divorce, he had come out as gay to his family and now he was sick.

He hadn't seen Christian since their little spat at the hospital when he had walked out. Syed had immediately regretted snapping at him but had not yet had the chance to apologise for his behaviour. As it was at the moment, he was too tired to think about anything and just wanted to sleep. He was exhausted and he had only gone from the hospital to his parent's house and he had slept most of the way there. He hated feeling this ill and miserable. He crawled onto the bed, not bothering to pull back the covers and quietly waited for Christian to appear.

* * *

Christian had been angry with Syed when he first left but he quickly realised that it was just Syed putting up walls once again. He resolved to talk to him once he'd picked up their things and headed back to the Masood's.

The flat seemed so empty and quiet, which unnerved Christian. He decided to pack quickly and get out as quick as possible. He pulled a suitcase from the top of the wardrobe and started rummaging through the drawers looking for clothes. Every single one of Syed's shirts brought back memories of their time together. The shirt he had worn the first time he had told Christian he loved him; the one he had been wearing when they left the Square to start their new life together. It brought a tear to his eye just to think about it.

He was trying his hardest not to break down again but it was just so hard. He gripped Syed's blue checked shirt tightly to his chest; breathing heavily to calm himself down. Once he felt ready to carry on he finished packing and made his way out to the waiting taxi.

When Christian arrived at the Masood's; Syed had fallen asleep on the bed. Not wanting to wake him, he gently laid the suitcase on the floor of the bedroom and headed back down the stairs. He found Masood sitting in the living room.

"How is he?" Mas asked.

"Sleeping at the moment. I didn't want to disturb him so I just let him be for now."

"Probably for the best. So how are you doing?"

"Me? I'm fine, doing just great in fact."

Masood didn't believe him. "You don't have to hide it from me, Christian. This has got to be hard on you too."

"I feel like screaming," he admitted. "There are moments when I just want to scream and cry because it's just so unfair. But then I remember that he needs me and I have to stay strong for him because he's falling apart right now and I know I can't..." Christian babbled. He wasn't making any sense.

"You can always talk to me if you feel you need to," Masood said to him. "If you feel like things are getting on top of you and you need to blow off some steam."

"Thanks," Christian smiled slightly. "What about you? How are you coping with everything?"

"Taking it one day at a time mostly, it's been a huge shock. But I have a wife and two sons who need looking after so I don't have the luxury of breaking down."

"You can talk to me if you want," Christian said. "We could be each other's confidantes."

Masood laughed, "I may just take you up on that."

"Anytime, I'm going to check on Syed," Christian stood up and nodded at Masood before heading up the stairs. Syed was lying on the bed; his head buried in his pillow.

Christian couldn't believe how young Syed looked. He had often lain awake at night and watched Syed sleep and was constantly amazed by how beautiful he was. He crossed the room and kicked off his shoes before lying down on the bed next to his lover. Syed stirred.

"Missed you," he said sleepily and leaned in closer to Christian. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Christian soothed. "You have every right to snap if you want to."

"I'm just so scared," Syed confessed. "I didn't mean to get so angry with you."

"It's okay," Christian repeated. "I'm here when you need to talk. About anything at all."

"Can you just hold me?" Syed asked, sounding extremely vulnerable and childlike.

"Of course," Christian wrapped his arms tight around Syed and held him; never wanting to let him go. "Everything is going to be okay, I'm going to help you get through this," Syed didn't say anything. He just lay there and breathed in Christian's scent. He had always felt safe when lying in Christian's arms; like nothing in the world could ever harm him when they were together. He had once told Christian that he thought he was Superman and he had truly meant it.

* * *

They lay next to each other for what seemed like an eternity until Christian fell asleep. When he awoke he found Syed sitting up in the bed searching something on his laptop.

"What are you looking at?"

"I'm going to lose my hair."

"What?"

"The chemotherapy will make my hair fall out."

"It'll grow back once you're better," Christian tried to comfort Syed but it didn't help.

"Why is this happening to me?" He asked in a small voice, his eyes filled with tears. "I just want it all to stop," he cried before throwing the computer to the side and ran out of the room, locking himself in the bathroom.

"Sy," Christian said as he knocked on the door. "Please come out."

Syed didn't reply; he just stood and stared at the mirror. He almost didn't recognise himself, he looked so ill. He ran his hand through his hair before opening the bathroom cabinet and pulling out a pair of scissors. He raised them to his head and began hacking at his hair, his dark locks falling to the ground all around him. He cut as much of his hair off as he could before he threw the scissors down and reached for the clippers. He made quick work of the remaining hair until all that was left was a small layer of stubble across his scalp. If he was going to lose his hair anyway he wasn't going to wait for it to fall out.

It was the only thing he had any control over anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Some romantic fluff at the end of this chapter. Slight relief from the angst :D**

**Chapter Six**

"I've been waiting for you to come round," Jane said by way of a greeting. "I've been waiting for six months."

"I know, I'm sorry," Christian said as he sat down at the table.

"You just left, no goodbye; nothing. You haven't called to tell me you were okay; anything could have happened to you."

"I should have called you and I'm sorry I didn't."

"So what brings you back to Walford?"

It's Syed," Christian sighed. "He's sick."

"Oh my God," Jane gasped. "What's wrong?"

"Leukaemia," Christian explained.

"How is he?"

"Not good. He locked himself in the bathroom and shaved all his hair off last night. Then he spent the rest of the night crying. I don't know what to do," he sighed, tears filling his eyes.

"What do you mean?" Jane asked sympathetically, resting her hand gently on his shoulder.

"I don't know how to help him. I see him and I know he's scared and hurting but I can't do anything to help him feel better."

"You just have to be there for him. Just hold his hand and reassure him so he knows that he's loved and has someone to take care of him. If he wants more then he will tell you but until then just be there."

"Thanks," Christian smiled weakly and hugged his sister.

* * *

Zainab found Syed sitting at the table in the kitchen clutching a mug of tea so tight his knuckles were white. It still shocked her to see him with no hair, just as it had done the previous evening when he had finally emerged from the bathroom with tears running down his face. It broke her heart to see him like this; he was usually good at hiding his feelings and emotions but now he just looked so broken, so scared.

"How are you feeling pappoo?" She asked, using his childhood nickname as she rested her hand on his shoulder.

"I'm okay," he replied with a fake smile on his face. Not even he could make that sound convincing.

"You're lying," Zainab called him on it.

"I'm lying," Syed repeated. "I'm not great but I'm not feeling too horrible either. Just tired all of the time mostly."

"You should rest then."

"I'm sick of resting, it's all I do. I just want to do something normal and pretend like none of this is happening to me. Just for one day, I'd like to feel like me again."

"I know you're feeling down, but it will get better eventually. You just have to believe it."

"And what if I can't?"

"Then I will do it for you," She told him as she grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently. "I will pray for you and be there for you through all of this. Your father will be as well and so will Christian," Zainab told him. Syed was surprised that she had mentioned Christian; she was still very cold towards him. Maybe she was beginning to realise that he was there to stay and she would have to accept him.

"Thank you mum," he smiled. He stood up from the table and put the mug into the sink.

"Maybe you should leave the house, go for a walk or something like that. It might do you some good to get some fresh air in your lungs."

"Maybe later. I'm going to lie down for a bit," he told her before he left the room. She heard him close the door to his room.

Zainab frowned. She didn't like how insular Syed had become since returning home. Today had been one of the rare occasions he had actually left his room; choosing to mostly hide up there and not speak to anyone. It wasn't good for him and she knew she had to do something to get him out of the house. Only thing was, the only person she knew who could get him to do that was her least favourite person on earth.

Who was just walking through the door.

"Christian, can you come in here," she called out, trying not to choke on her words. It was going to take a lot to be able to do this.

"Yes Zainab," he said in that fake cheerful tone he often used when speaking to her, often just to humour her.

"I need you to do something for me," she said.

"What would that be?"

"I need you to get Syed out of the house for a few hours. It's not doing him any good being cooped up here."

"I agree," Christian replied. "Which is probably a first."

"Just take him out somewhere, please."

"I know just what to do," Christian smiled and hurried back out of the kitchen. "Just give me an hour," he said before leaving the house.

* * *

"Come on we're going out," Christian announced as he entered Syed's room. He grabbed hold of his hand and pulled him to his feet.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Syed protested.

"I think it's a great idea," Christian retorted as he pulled a black woolly hat over Syed's head. "Don't want your head getting cold," he grinned. "Come on," he said as he practically dragged Syed out of the house.

"Where are we going?" Syed asked.

"Wait and see," Christian replied.

They stopped outside the Cafe. "What are we doing here?" Syed asked, "It's closed."

"You ask far too many questions, you know that?" Christian replied as he opened the door and held it open for Syed. "What d'you think?"

Christian had made it look beautiful, magical even; full of candles flickering in the dark. He had covered one of the tables with a red tablecloth; a candle and a single red rose adorning the centre.

"You didn't have to do this."

"Yeah I did," Christian smiled. "You're worth it."

"Thank you," Syed smiled a genuine smile and hugged Christian. "This is amazing."

"I made us some dinner. Just sit down and I'll bring it over," he said pulling one of the chairs out for Syed to sit down on.

"Ever the gentleman," Syed laughed as Christian brought over two plates.

"Enjoy."

* * *

"Thank you for tonight," Syed said again as they arrived home. "It was amazing. You are amazing," he said as he slowly sat down on the bed.

"Glad you had a good time. We'll have to do it again."

"If we get the chance to," Syed replied with a bittersweet tone in his voice.

"What do you mean if? We have a long and happy future ahead of us and nothing, not even this is going to stop that. When you get better..."

"Don't you mean if?"

"No, When you get better," Christian repeated with even more emphasis on the 'when.'

"I am going to marry you."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Just a short chapter today, more filler than anything else**

**Chapter Seven**

Syed smiled as he woke up the next morning, remembering what Christian had said to him the previous night. He wanted to marry him. That gave Syed a warm glow inside that he hadn't felt since before he had fallen ill. He sat up in bed and threw the covers back; taking a moment to look back at the still sleeping Christian. He didn't want to disturb him so he quietly dressed before he headed down the stairs.

Masood was already up and sitting at the table drinking a cup of coffee when Syed came down. He looked up and smiled at his eldest son.

"Morning," Mas greeted. "You look happy this morning," he noticed.

"I just feel brighter, like things aren't so bad."

"What's brought this on?" Mas eyed him suspiciously.

"Does it have to be anything?"

"I take it you had a nice time with Christian last night."

Syed smiled. "Yeah," he grinned. "It was nice."

"Well I'm glad something has put that smile on your face."

"I need it. I have to see the doctor again this afternoon."

"What for?"

"He wants to go over the chemotherapy regimen with me. I start next week," Syed told his father as he rubbed his hand nervously over his newly shaved head. He was scared, actually he was terrified, but there was no way he was going to admit that to his father or anyone else except Christian. Random thoughts kept going through his mind like what if the chemotherapy didn't work? What would happen then? And the worst one; which he really didn't want to think about, what if he didn't make it?

"Syed?" He heard his father ask; bringing him out of his thoughts.

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay? You seemed distant."

"Yeah, I just let my thoughts run away from me, but I'm fine; really," he lied. Truth was, he was far from fine.

"You would talk to me if you weren't, wouldn't you?"

"Of course. I'm going to see if Christian's up," he quickly changed the subject and hurried out of the room.

Christian was awake and getting dressed when Syed entered the bedroom.

"You're up," Syed smiled and leaned in to kiss Christian. Christian happily returned the kiss and wrapped his arms around his younger lover.

"You seem happy this morning," Christian noted.

"I feel happy," Syed replied and kissed Christian again. "I love you," he said between kisses as he started to undress Christian again.

"Are you sure you're up to this?" Christian asked, unsure of what to do.

"I am completely and totally up for this," Syed replied as he pushed Christian closer to the bed; taking charge of the situation since his lover seemed so reluctant to. "I need this, please."

"I do anything for you," Christian said as he quickly took charge, pushing Syed's shirt down before slowly lowering Syed down onto the bed. "I love you too," he said as he leaned in to kiss him once more. "Forever."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry this took so long to post. Wasn't home much last week. Things are looking up in this chapter which, as you know, can only mean bad things are going to happen (there's a hint for the next chapter :D). On a slightly related note, I went to see Jethro Tull on Saturday night and they played the song this story is named after. I almost squee-d out loud :D.**

**Have to give credit to the Macmillan cancer website where I got all my information from**

**Chapter Eight**

Syed felt like he was going to die he felt so bad. Although this was his third round of chemotherapy it did not get any better. This was the worst he had ever felt in his life. He had no energy so he just lay there on his hospital bed moving only to throw up. Christian had never left his side the entire time, holding his hand and whispering soothing words whilst he rubbed Syed's back. It had been like that since the chemotherapy had started and it made Syed feel slightly less miserable than if he had been on his own.

"How are you feeling?" Christian asked as he gently rubbed circles on Syed's hand. Syed smiled weakly at the contact.

"I've been better."

"It'll be over soon."

"For this time. But then I'll have to do it again and again and it gets harder every time I have to lay here and be prodded and poked and be filled full of poison in order to make me better. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling so sick all of the time and I'm tired of having no energy. But most of all I'm tired of trying to be so positive all the time. I just want it all to be over; I want to feel well again."

"I know, we all want you to get better but you can't give up."

"Can I just be on my own for a bit? I just need a little time to think," his tone was distant and not entirely friendly.

"Of course," Christian said as he stood up, not happy at Syed's sudden coldness towards him. "Just call me if you need me."

"I will," Syed said, softer this time. He smiled gently and allowed Christian to lean down to kiss him.

"I'll see you later," Christian said before leaving Syed alone.

He felt miserable. He was sick and tired of everything and for some unknown reason he seemed intent on pushing Christian away. He didn't want to, didn't mean to but yet he kept on doing it. He had some serious apologising to do once Christian came back. Even if he didn't have the energy to move right now.

Syed felt sick again, the unmistakable wave of nausea hit him and he quickly leaned over the cardboard basin and vomited. Not that he had much on his stomach to bring up so most of it was just bile and it made Syed feel even worse. He gently pressed the call button and waited for a nurse to arrive so he could ask for something to stop him feeling so sick.

"How are you feeling?" One of the nurses asked cheerfully as she entered his room.

"Sick," he replied quietly.

"I'll get you something," she smiled. "No Christian?" They had all become used to him being there.

"He went for a walk, get some air," Syed told her omitting the tiff they had earlier.

"The doctor is going to come by and talk to you later to give you an update. You might want your family here."

"Thanks," Syed smiled slightly. "I'll ring them later."

The nurse left after giving him the anti-sickness medicine and once more Syed was left on his own. He tried sleeping but he found he couldn't. Giving up on that he grabbed the hospital phone and dialled Christian's number.

"Hi, can you come back?" He asked. "I need you. Mum and dad too."

* * *

Christian was the first to arrive, followed shortly by Masood and Zainab. He sat on the bed next to Syed with his arm draped over his shoulders. Syed leaned into the contact and closed his eyes; happy just to lie there and breathe in his lovers scent.

The doctor entered a few minutes later.

"How are you feeling, Syed?" He asked.

"I'm okay," he replied, not opening his eyes.

"I've been looking over your blood and bone marrow tests and things are looking good."

"What does that mean?" Zainab asked anxiously.

"It means that there has been a marked improvement in Syed's blood count since the chemotherapy started. It is early days but I'm quietly confident."

Syed smiled slightly to himself and he felt Christian squeeze his hand. He looked up and saw him smiling too. For the first time in weeks Syed felt hopeful that everything was going to be okay.

"You hear that?" Christian said. "Things are looking up."

"This is good news," Zainab said; with a smile on her face. "We should celebrate."

"Maybe we should wait until I'm completely better," Syed said. "I don't want to jinx things."

"Nonsense, we have to celebrate even the little victories."

Syed looked to Christian for support. He really didn't feel like celebrating at the moment.

"Why don't we wait until Sy's feeling a little better? He must be feeling exhausted after the chemotherapy today."

"Maybe you're right," Zainab reluctantly agreed. "You do seem a little pasty."

"Thanks mum," Syed replied sarcastically. "You really know how to make a sick man feel better."

"Don't worry," Christian whispered, "I still think you're gorgeous," he leaned in and gave Syed a quick kiss.

"You're a charmer but I love you," Syed smiled and returned the kiss. Then he became very aware of his mother sitting there looking uncomfortable. "Sorry," he said to her.

"Maybe I should leave you two alone," she said and stood up. "I'll see you later, pappoo," she said and leaned down to kiss her son on the forehead.

"Bye mum," he replied as she turned and left, Masood following her. "I think we made her uncomfortable."

"She'll get over it."

"I'm sorry about earlier, I shouldn't have snapped at you. I know you were just trying to help."

"Don't worry about it. I completely understand why you did but you have to know that I am not going anywhere. You can shout at me all you want but I will still be there for you at the end of the day. I am not going anywhere," he repeated, adding extra emphasis.

"I know and that's why I love you."

Syed leaned into Christian's arms and rested his head in the crook of his neck. He felt so safe and comfortable there that he never wanted to leave.

"Things are going to get better now, aren't they?" He asked Christian.

"Of course they are," he replied but he was wrong.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Here's the final lot of angst for you all. One more chapter after this**

**Chapter Nine**

Syed felt as though his entire body was on fire. He wanted to cry out in pain but something seemed to stop him. His throat was dry and his limbs felt like lead, he didn't have the energy to move them. He tried to crack open his eyes but the light hurt them; piercing his retina's like lasers. Feeling even worse; he gave up and just let the darkness take him.

Christian was worried about Syed. He was far too hot and seemed to be completely out of it. The doctor had warned that it could be dangerous if Syed were to become ill as his immune system was depleted due to the chemotherapy. It scared Christian to see Syed like this.

"Zainab, Mas!" He called out, turning back to Syed as they entered their room.

"What's wrong?" Zainab asked, rushing over to her son's side.

"I think we need to call an ambulance," Christian told them. "He's burning up."

"I'll call them now," Masood said as he hurried out of the room.

Christian grabbed hold of Syed's hand and squeezed it gently. "Sy?" He said gently. "Sy are you awake?"

Syed gave a weak groan but made no attempt to open his eyes. Christian looked at Zainab with fear in his eyes. Zainab had the exact same look.

"Don't worry, he'll be fine," she reassured him but her face spoke differently. She was just as scared as he was.

* * *

The pain had stopped a while ago and now Syed felt like he was floating. He felt peaceful like nothing could bring him down. He wanted to stay that way forever. He felt happy.

Somewhere; far off in the distance, he thought he could hear Christian's voice calling his name and asking for him to wake up. It felt like too much energy to do that though so he just kept on sleeping. Maybe he'd wake up later.

Christian had not left Syed's side since he had been brought into the hospital. The doctor had told them Syed had acquired an infection and they began to pump him full of antibiotics since his own body was too weak to fight it off.

"I brought you some coffee," Zainab said as she handed him a polystyrene cup. "It doesn't taste too good though."

"Thanks for warning me," Christian grimaced as he took a sip. "God that's awful."

Zainab smiled slightly and took Syed's hand in hers. "He looks like he's sleeping," she said.

"I just wish he would wake up," Christian replied.

"When he was a baby I used to watch him sleep all night. He was so small and he looked so peaceful when he was asleep I could watch him for hours. It's strange to think of him as that small, defenceless child now he is all grown up. I am proud of him though," she said.

"You are?"

"He has grown up into a fine young man; not afraid to make his own decisions, however questionable they may be," she said as she raised her eyebrow at Christian.

"And I'm one of those questionable decisions?"

"But you make him happy," she admitted. "I never saw him that happy with Amira. He loves you."

"And I love him."

"I was so angry when I found out; it made me want to scream. All I cared about was how it would shame the family if everyone knew that my son was gay. It wasn't until you both left that I realised that I was wrong. I should have put Syed first not my religion or my own pride. I should have wanted to see him happy. I'm sorry."

"It's Syed you should be telling this to, not me."

"And I will when he wakes up. I have spent too much time being stubborn and now it is time to make up for it. I don't want to lose him again."

"I'm not going anywhere, Zainab," Christian told her. "You need to know that I am staying right where I am and you're going to have to accept that."

"I do accept that," Zainab told him. "Just make sure he's always happy. For me."

"I will," Christian smiled and turned back to Syed. "See, now you have to wake up. Your mum just made Hell freeze over."

* * *

Syed felt as though he had been hit by a lorry. Every muscle in his body ached. He didn't want to wake up but he felt himself being pulled out of unconsciousness by an unknown force. As he began to wake up he could hear muffled voices around him.

"He's waking up," he heard his mother say.

"Come on Syed, open your eyes," that was his father.

Syed groaned and slowly cracked one of his eyes open. They were all standing there; his mum, dad, Christian and even Tamwar. How long had he been out?

"Hey," Christian smiled gently. "How are you feeling?"

"Sick," Syed whispered; his voice cracked as his throat was so dry.

"You've been out for a few days now, we were beginning to think that you weren't going to wake up; lazybones."

"What happened?" Syed asked. Everything seemed so blurry.

"You had an infection and your body couldn't fight it off. We had to call an ambulance."

"Am I okay now?"

"You're getting better. Doctor says you should be fine now the antibiotics have kicked in. You'll be up and about in no time."

"Gonna go back to sleep now," he said as he closed his eyes again.

"You just get your rest," Zainab said and the last thing he saw was his entire family smiling at him.

* * *

A few days later and Syed was feeling better, as well as someone with cancer could feel, he supposed. Christian and his mother had barely left his side whilst he had been recovering and it showed on Christian who was now sporting some impressive stubble.

"Like the facial hair," Syed grinned as he ran a hand over Christian's cheek. "Makes you look manlier," he teased.

"Don't tease me; I've been here worrying about you."

"You could do with a shave though," Zainab smiled.

"What about him? He always has stubble. And long hair."

"And I always told him to get it cut."

"Oh, so I'm going to have to start living by your rules now?" He said in mock anger.

"Whilst you're in my house, yes."

"We're not in your house, we're at the hospital."

"Since when did you two get so friendly?" Syed asked; his eyes wide in shock. "Last I saw you couldn't stand the sight of each other."

"We bonded over you being sick."

"And now you're the best of friends?"

"I wouldn't go that far," Christian said. "But we can stand to be together in the same room for more than ten seconds now."

"I'm glad. Now when can I go home?"

"You only just woke up. You're not going anywhere until the doctor says it's okay."

"But I feel a lot better."

"That may be," Christian said as he leaned in and gave Syed a kiss on the lips. "But I'm not taking any chances. You're staying."

"Spoil sport," Syed replied; faking being angry.

"Christian, can you leave us alone for a moment?" Zainab asked. "I want to talk to Syed."

"Sure," he said. "I'll go and shave," he grinned, kissed Syed one final time and left the room leaving Syed and Zainab alone.

"What is it mum?" Syed asked, feeling a little nervous at what she might say.

"Don't worry pappoo, it's nothing bad. Don't sound so scared. I just wanted to apologise for everything. I shouldn't have reacted like that. I just wish I had realised that without you leaving and being sick. I just want you to know that I accept that you are in love with a man and I'm not going to interfere in your life anymore."

"Thanks mum," Syed smiled and pulled his mother into a hug. "It means a lot to me."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Final chapter time. Sorry it's so late. I have no excuses, it's been written long enough.**

**Chapter Ten**

Syed stood alone in the room, nervously waiting what was going to happen next. He was waiting for Christian to arrive. He nervously fidgeted with the cuff of his shirt, finding a loose thread and started to pick at it.

"Stop fidgeting," Zainab warned him.

"I can't. I'm too nervous," her son replied.

"He'll be here, don't worry."

"What if he changed his mind?"

"He hasn't, the man worships the ground you walk on. He'll be here so stop worrying and enjoy the day."

Syed smiled at his mother. It made her happy to see him so happy especially after all of the pain and anguish he had been put through over the last few months. It was over now, she hoped. The leukaemia had gone into remission and now all he had to show for it were the pills he had to take to make sure the cancer stayed away. His hair had grown back to its original state, curly and flyaway but no matter how much Zainab pestered him to cut it he wouldn't. Part of her was glad about that; she loved to see him look just as he had done.

"He's here," Masood said as he opened the door to the room. Syed and Zainab turned; first of all to Masood and then to each other, a look of happiness and anticipation crossing their faces.

"I told you he would come," Zainab smiled at her son. "Come on, it's a very big day for you," she took hold of Syed's hand and led him out and down the corridor, towards another room.

Christian was standing there, waiting and looking amazing. Syed had always thought his lover looked good in a suit but the sight of him only confirmed it. He wanted to run up and kiss him there and then; ignoring all the other people in the room. Instead, he walked slowly towards Christian, the biggest smile across his lips. Once he reached him; Christian took his hand in his and ran the other one through Syed's hair.

"I love you," he said quietly.

"I love you too."

"Shall we do this?"

"Yes," Syed smiled and turned towards the officiate.

Their day was finally here after so much heartache, they had made it. It was a small affair, only in a registry office and nowhere near as elaborate as Syed's first wedding had been but it was perfect. They were all each other needed and felt they didn't need a large celebration to show off how happy they were.

Christian never took his eyes off Syed the entire time they said their vows, the smile never left his lips. He thought Syed looked the most perfect and handsome man in the room. Syed turned and looked at his mother and father; Zainab even had a tear in her eye, something Syed thought he would never see.

He was glad she had finally accepted him and Christian together; it meant the world to him that she was there on the most important day of his life.

They were still living on the Square. They had moved back into Christian's old flat above the chip shop shortly after Syed had been given the all clear. Syed was even back working at the unit; again something he thought would never happen. He could not believe how everything had turned out for the best.

And so they joined together in holy matrimony, together forever and nothing now could part them. Christian leaned in and gave Syed a kiss on the lips?

"I love you," he said to Syed again.

"So what do we do now?" Syed asked.

"Whatever we want," Christian grinned and pulled him in for another kiss.


End file.
